I suck

Lately. My writing sucks. My reasoning sucks. My ability to stick to a diet sucks. 

I'm being overly dramatic, and that sucks too. 

I don't know what happened, I am very careful with my money and how much I take out of the bank, and I am also careful to keep any auto payments that will be coming out in mind. But somehow, I went from being sure there was a certain very comfortable amount in there, to being very uncomfortable with how much was in there. I don't know where the mistake is either. 

I guess I goofed, but dang, I hate this feeling. 

I also hate when I waffle. I like my job. The school is small and comfortable for someone like me, who is from a small town is doesn't like crowds. They gave the opportunity to work and earn a paycheck while I got the creditials to teach. I don't think that my going back for a teaching degree would have been possible without that chance. 

But they pay significantly lower then the going rate for science teacher. I make 21,500 a year salary, divided over twelve months and then cut up with taxes, health insurance approved by the catholic church, and maditory retirment contributions. The normal salary for a high school teacher with a bachelor's degree and no experience is about 35,000. A teacher with a master's degree and one year experience  is between 38000 and 39000. There is a school district west if wichita that is offering 47000. 

I'm not a rabidly materialist person. But I have a sweet deal now that will end when I graduate. I live is university family housing. The rent comes out of my finacial aid, so that's 550 a month that I don't have to pull out of my salary. I drive a car that doesn't have a payment attached to it. I would actually like to keep doing that, but what if, heaven forbid, something happened and I had to take on a vehicle with a car payment, I don't think that between the payment and increased insurance that I could do that. 

Then there is building up a real savings, and college for the kids, and just the desire to no longer be on foodstamps and need daycare assistance from the state. 

So here's the thing. I get excited when I think about planning next year at McAuley. I know how I would want to change the way we do the bio classes. I would get rid of the old book that we use for bio I, I would order more advanced bio books and design a curriculum that between bioI and bioII would cover just about everything and then some. We would have bio one kids define life, study the differnt classes of living things and cell biology such as respiration and photosythysis. Bio two would cover genetics and heredity, cell bio such as DNA replication, protien synthysis, the relation of protien to animal structure. Mammalian anatomy and human biology, bioethics and ecology. 

Instead of everyone taking biology one and then either biology two or advanced biology, I want them to take general biology one and general biology two or honors biology one and honors biology two. The honors classes would be capped at one half or less of the prospective classes and determined by a combination of grade point average and reccomendation of other teachers, as well as attitude seen in previous scince classes. The honors kids would do more writing and research from sources other then the text book. 

But, what's the point of making those changes and getting excited about it and making the lists and planning the curriculum if I know I can't afford to keep the job. I know that if another job opens, which the later in the year we get the more open, I will apply for them and probably get one. 

So, I suck. I feel like a greedy asshole who used this organization to wet my feet in an industry that values experience. And now I can't afford to stay.